[Private to self]
I don't even know. I'm sitting at my computer trying to type so the thoughts in my brain will come out as words and therefore organize themselves in some reasonable and understandable fashion, and that's the first thing I manage to type: I don't even know. Because I don't know! About anything, apparently! Except schoolwork, with the exception of astronomy, which hardly even counts. I may also be using this as a way to procrastinate from my astronomy homework.
And astronomy makes me think of Jai, because we're going to get together to study before astronomy tomorrow. I was going to start up a little study group, probably invite Becca and Em, but I'm... not. It freaks me out to be with guys (who aren't my brother or cousin), especially alone with guys, especially alone with Jai. So why am I going out of my way to be alone with him? Okay, we won't be totally alone, there's nowhere on campus we can really go to be totally alone, but why would we want to anyway? Why did I write that? We weren't alone at the picnic either. There were lots of other people there, including girls Jai likes to hang out with. Including Rowan, who is apparently more interesting than me. And Cliff invited Rowan to the beach this weekend--I didn't even know they knew each other--so I invited Jai without really asking, though I sort of asked Alan, but he didn't say anything. Not like I should have to ask anyone, it's not some kind of fancy party, but I feel sort of bad because it is Cliff's house. I don't know what he'll think of Jai. Alan will like Jai, I'm sure, but I don't know anyone as well as I know Alan, let alone Cliff, and I know Cliff is kind of a bigot. I don't know if Jai is pureblood, though I think he is. Will Cliff hate him because he's Indian? I know he hates his roommate but that's probably because he's Muggle-born and they have to live together, not because he's Asian. Oh, and of course Jai's team beat Wardwell in Quodpot. So maybe I'm just setting everyone up for awkwardness. I don't want Jai to come and have a miserable time. Of course he probably won't if Rowan is there.
Wow, so I just wrote this really massive paragraph and totally skirted the issue. What's up with that, subconscious? I guess it's because I don't know what to do if I really do like Jai. There, I wrote it. I don't know if I like him. I don't know if he likes me. I don't understand boys. I can't ask Alan because he's my brother and he'll probably just get upset because asking him about dating will make him think of Maggie. Becca hasn't dated anybody. Maybe I can ask Em. She's dated people. I don't know what kind of advice I can even ask for but she might know better than me.
Oh, and I'm still depressed about Brand. I feel better after talking to Becca and the passage of time, but I just don't understand anything that happened. Maybe I can just put that in the past and keep it there.[/Private]
[Private to Emily]
Hey, um... I think I need your advice.
[/Private]
I need a new bathing suit. My old one doesn't fit and is a little worn anyway. So that means shopping! Who wants to go shopping with me? I warn you, I will probably try on like 50 bathing suits and want your opinion on all of them. This expedition is not for the faint of heart. Only straight girls and gay guys need apply, as I am not eager to be ogled!